so much staying alive and lovelessness

ode to snow in winter

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 01:40:36 GMT

last night i played in the snow.
everything was so white and pure, and clean
there was booze and snow and grass everywhere.
everything moved so fast at first
and then all of the sudden, not at all.

everything begins to slow down to an eventual stop
the only thing left
are your thoughts to race
unfortunately, when you play in the snow
there's never a finish line in sight.

but i'm not tired, not tired

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 09:16:06 GMT

i feel as though there isnt even enough time to sleep anymore.

baby, it's you

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 08:09:43 GMT

how can things be so good
and then
complete
and utter
melt
down

i could drink a case of you

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 05:55:39 GMT

it's been a while, but a nice while.

halloween is next week, and though ive already started my celebrating, there is more to do. i just dont know if i can handle it. there's been an awful lot of it lately and i just dont know if my brain or my body can handle. i just want to sleep for a day or two. i want the rain to come so that i might lie in bed for a few days and just rest.

it's this time of year that makes it increasingly more difficult to leave turlock. my friends, my family, the weather..but as always, the heat will come and i will change my mind.

this past week i've baked cookies three times.
i've been having second thoughts about children.
and love.

perhaps those things arent so bad. once you allow yourself to love and be loved, the thought of a family is actually sort of appealing.

i have changed so much in the past two years and there was a point in my life where i had to choose between two clearly defined paths and i chose the road back to turlock. now, it may not have been the wisest choice..but i made it. everything was for a reason. I have learned to love in a new and different way. i have learned to love myself even through the pain of not wanting to.

i want a new cat.

life on mars

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 08:15:56 GMT

drugs are wonderfully bad.

ugh

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 01:46:10 GMT

i have been telling myself that i am not sick in hopes that if i just deny it long enough it will go away.

well, i am undeniably sick.

it overtakes me

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 05:59:44 GMT

antique store on center st., downtown turlock.

i found:

a little ceramic whale for megan

*an extensive collection of beach boys vinyl in excellent condition (as well as other amazing albums i need to replace and just have)

a crossword puzzle t-shirt that has a picture of a crossword puzzle and above it in old english writing says, "give us today our daily puzzle"

an ashtray with the 1961 calendar year painted on it(for kt!!!)

organic, home-made peach scented soap that is wonderful for my eczema.

a lot of GREAT clothes for general use and for the 1960's party

---------------------------

ive had some stunning revelations recently
1) i spend too much money on booze.
2) he drives me crazy. absolutely crazy. and i really dont know what to do about the situation. we've resulted to toying with each other and that flirtation that i know drives each other (me) crazy.
3)everyone in my family is convinced i now have an ulcer..i too, am convinced.

*the man who runs the antique store grew up down the street from the wilsons old place and used to listen to them record and what-not. he says he's got some great pictures he's going to bring in and show me. we talked about beach boys music for over an hour. I am so jazzed about this place. that guy is my new best friend. i'm one step closer to brian wilson.

god rest your lonely soul

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 20:36:44 GMT

i've come to terms with the fact that happiness is not something to be strived for. it isnt a goal to set for yourself or something to be put on a pedestal. one can not attain happiness; it can be achieved on many different levels, but it is never a straight "today i am happy."

overall the days have been much better recently. i am still struggling immensely with the same feelings as always, but the future looks maybe not so bleak. i used wonder what it all meant and why depression exists and how people just go through their life feeling miserable, and then i realized that not many people go through much of their life feeling miserable. one day it will all come down to live or die. will i let this green monster that rides that stationary bike of self doubt and guilt and shame and self-punishment take its last toll on me or will i choose to live? i chose to live and everyday its a choice i have to make. i've had a close friend end his own life and at the time i didnt understand his pain. i remember thinking that suicide is not a selfish act and that anyone who goes through with it must feel an immense pain that only those with this disease must feel..and now i understand. i've been there, but fortunately i have the most amazing family that will never give up on me. friends may come and go, but no matter how bad i fuck up or how low i feel my family is always there to help me crawl out of bed and face it.

i really do love my job.
the weather is cooling.
i feel that maybe this winter will not only be my last in this valley, but a great one as well. i feel that i am building up the strength to get out and do things.
go places.
be someone.

i can hear music

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 09:07:16 GMT

things have been rather odd lately.

with everything that happened with brandon going on, i also heard i almost lost another friend. this time it was one much closer to me. even though we've had our distance, ill never forget the friendship and laughter we shared. if you ever read this (you know who you are), i want to help you get better. i believe you and i don't want to see you go.

i've also worked almost 50 hours this week.
one day i had to clean up vomit, another day i worked over ten hours straight.
i've been having horrible dreams about my father dying recently, and i dont like it. the past three nights in a row have all been the same.
spending time with tom is great.
we drink and waltz and laugh and talk about music. perfect.

i am going to disneyland next week. i am excited about it, but i am even more excited to see my parents. it will be wonderful.

today it was 112 outside with horrific humidity. smoking a cigarette was nauseating.
to cool ourselves off, tom and i sing "White Christmas", or other christmas carols..its pretty great.

attn: all ny times crossword puzzle junkies

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 05:02:00 GMT

WORDPLAY IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 07:24:17 GMT

twice in one day? CRAZY.

tonight was great. apples to apples. tom. cutting toms hair. jessica and megan.
tomorrow will be great. tom. san francisco. jessica. wordplay. mason st cafe.
CITYLIGHTS!
CITYLIGHTS!
CITYLIGHTS!

oh and my nose once again has more than two holes. its a little more painful this time around than i remember it being. next week maybe some more work done? i hope so.

"hold your head up you silly girl, look what youve done. when you find yourself in the thick of it, help yourself to a bit of what is all around you..silly girl"

la de da-la de da-la de...

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 16:56:22 GMT

"There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly
women are at a Catskills mountain
resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the
food at this place is really terrible."
The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and
such ... small portions." Well, that's
essentially how I feel about life. Full
of loneliness and misery and suffering
and unhappiness, and it's all over much
too quickly. The-the other important
joke for me is one that's, uh, usually
attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think
it appears originally in Freud's wit and
its relation to the unconscious. And it
goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...
"I would never wanna belong to any club
that would have someone like me for a
member."..
(Sighing)
Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't
get my mind around that. You know, I-I
keep sifting the pieces of the relationship
through my mind and-and examining my life
and tryin' to figure out where did the
screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we
were... tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and
... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a
morose type. I'm not a depressive character.
I-I-I, uh,
(Laughing)
you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,
I guess."

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 19:12:10 GMT

i cant even begin to conceptualize the amount of alcohol consumed last night.

did i even watch any fireworks?

planning for megans birthday party is coming along quite well. and no, her cake will NOT be made out of liquid gold.

hopefully kim jong il won't blow us all up before the party. that would suck.

hold on, hold on,

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 05:12:57 GMT

With my abstaining from the drunks in my life and knowing who isnt allowed to bask in my happiness with me, i guess life is looking up.

many people have asked me what i saw in you, maybe it was because i, too, was very drunk everytime we were together..or maybe it was your traditional tattoos and enigmatic character. no, it was probably because youre fucking crazy, an alcoholic, and over the age of 30. what is my problem?

my friends are wonderful and once you've made the decision that your friends add to your life not cause you pain, and those that do cause you pain can just be removed quite easily, it's actually very nice.

it was so wonderful to feel needed by my family. the guilt and shame i have for my depression causes me to question my own validity with my family's love and whether or not i'm truly worthy of such an amazing family..but hearing my father say the words, "alisa, you are the only one i want here to take care of me" was heartbreaking and wonderful at once. knowing he was so close to knockin on heaven's door a few times was unlike anything i've ever felt. he is the strongest man in my life and the only mistakes i make with men are that i don't choose the ones who will treat me as wonderful as my father does. i really don't deserve anything less.

it is ridiculously hot here. deathly, even. last summer i promised myself it was the final summer for me in the valley because i couldnt bear another one, but here i am...

so ill make that promise one more time, in hopes of it being actually true.

Thu, 11 May 2006 09:38:44 GMT

my bones wish to escape
and run along an alien expanse
to collaspe from the heat
in a cartoonish heap
to sleep oh to sleep

verbalize it!!

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 02:24:22 GMT

i got a new tattoo today.

i love it. it's adorable.

thanks to jenny, kevin and uncle al.

who's coming with me

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 08:54:30 GMT

let's run away to the mountains, live far far far away

and just survive.

from me to you

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 05:20:31 GMT

The milk truck hauls the sun up
And the paper hits the door
The subway shakes my floor
And I think about you
Time to face the dawning gray
Of another lonely day
it's so hard
living without you

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 05:07:32 GMT

peek from around a tree.

hello, friends. how is life?

"just give me the dynamite"

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 18:33:30 GMT

it can be said that when you party with lesbians and their families, some crazy shit is bound to happen.

awake is the new sleep

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 18:56:20 GMT

i would like to formally introduce you(the world) to my nephew, Miller Gavin Davis. 6lbs, 19 inches long. he's got the davis feet, and her ears.

she was admitted at 2pm on tues the 8th and didnt give birth until 9am on the 9th. he's a beautiful baby and i'm proud to be his aunt.

sam is home and i miss our drunken phone calls.

things are changing all around.

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 09:08:05 GMT

RIP
HUNTER S THOMPSON

you gave new meaning to the phrase, "one toke over the line, sweet jesus. one toke over the line".

what a sad, sad thing .

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 20:21:08 GMT

definitely thoughtful times.

marcies having her baby in less than 5 weeks.
my cousin is getting married in 4 months.

school is the same. i miss my parents very much. i am not sleeping much.

i would definitely rather be in narnia.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 19:00:21 GMT

last tuesday my car got stolen.
last weds i got laid off from my job.

happy new year everyone. this one cant possibly be any worse than the last one.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 19:41:04 GMT

my life has been a crazy series of events lately. my birthday sort of started this downward turn of really depressed moments. this christmas had been pretty bah humbug until a few days ago when everything started to look a little brighter.

i was tacking up pictures on my wall last night and it felt like deja vu.

its incredible how much 4 people can really turn things upward.

theres a space in my heart for my closest friends this christmas; you have been the only stability in my somewhat manic life.